Monday, March 31, 2008

fish out of water ><{{{">

i once heard that inner-frustration is caused by the failure to accept change. i refuse to be frustrated, after all change is the only thing constant in the universe. i'm feeling a great change take place inside of me and i'm not sure if it's temporary or not. the concern of this change is a bit esoteric and i feel that only a few people would really appreciate what this means while others might not see it's importance but it means every thing to me. this change is in something i've always considered to be my element. i've been a fish my whole life and every association i've ever made with my spiritual self has been via my aquatic appreciation. this is probably because i've been blessed to grow up in a state surrounded by fresh water but more so because of my stay in the middle of a vast ocean. times are changing though and just as all things i am changing too.

i snuck onto the rock wall at a gym a few months ago and this began a series of reoccurring obsessions that i haven't felt in a long time. since then i've been climbing on everything. i have this great chin-up bar in our living room and i use the hell out of it. in one day i counted that i had successfully performed over a hundred chin-ups and i can feel myself getting stronger. i'm hungry all the time and this is a sign that i've been more active than usual. my hands are callused and my shoulders are pleasingly sore. this might sound trivial to others but to me i get fired up. i have no desire to smoke cigarettes. i have a sudden desire to explore outside and climb trees. it's cold in my world but i'm burning inside. so yeah.. this sounds silly but i'm full of it now and i feel like i can do anything.

everybody has secrets. i have hundreds if not thousands. i have many secret lives and secret pursuits that i tell no one about. the author of this blog is actually the author of about a dozen anonymous blogs each containing confessions that slide off my shoulders like a great weight being lifted. i've chosen to be proud of my secrets rather than ashamed, they are in fact part of me and i feel that one should be proud of everything they do so long as they do it to their best of their ability. one of these days i'll perhaps turn my ramblings into a detailed book and share with the world how strange a person can be.

i called a friend the other day just to tell her i was thinking about her. she told me that on that day i called it was one year to the day that i met her. this made me happy. actually really happy.

just as everyone else in my tribe i was hit hard with the gloominess of winter. my birthday was quite rad and st. patty's day was even more rad. we are a musical bunch and we know how to pile :)

i'm going out west in May. i'm travelling with my favorite woman in the world, my mother. i hear she is taking me to arizona followed by colorado. from colorado i want to take a bus to moab, utah. one of my nearest and dearest +/- his girlfriend will meet me down there and celebration will be aroused. jam.

so things are changing. some people who i've once held dearly have vanished from my life. some people who i've rarely said a dozen words to are now my closest friends. my relationships with some people who i've known for years have changed because i now love them three times as much. these things come full circle and i hope that the impressions they've left on my life are repaid ten-fold to them.

i'm a substitute teacher now (as well as a few other kinds of teacher) and i must say that i really enjoy my job. each day is different from the last and everyday i find myself in a strange new world or experience. i've taught the basics of K-5 as well as general education courses in middle school and high school but i truly get enjoyment out of teaching art and music whenever i get the opportunity. last week i was teaching 7th grade band and during 4th hour most of the students were needed in the gym and i was left with perhaps five students. they were the good kids and i had my back to them and pretty much let them do whatever they want but something really awesome happened. i was playing piano and coming up with tunes on the spot when all of a sudden from behind me i heard drums and horns. the students were jamming with me and i never once looked them in the eyes. this reminded me of an experience i had a guitar store a few weeks before i left for samoa when i blindly jammed with a bassist who never made eye contact with me. i had another great experience like this in samoa (all of these are blog-u-mented somewhere on this page by the way if you're curious) when my students and i spontaneously broke into drumming on chairs and desks which later turned into singing and dancing. spontaneity and music are like brother and sister.