you know.. all i've come to be and all i've experienced and all i've known has slowly been revealed to me in a blessed and curious manifestation. this story gets better and better.
see you in nicaragua :)
Sunday, February 08, 2009
if i've learned anything in my years it's that i no longer believe in expectations. i don't hold any human being up to any level of certainty and because of this i am rarely disappointed. people have hurt me but i've learned how to deal with it and because of my ability to focus inward i've developed a sense of self that to some seems like a fantasy world. i have a stronger imagination than i did as a child and i live in my own world of dreams and purple glass. to me there is nothing wrong with this but a lot of people have a hard time understanding me. it is, of course, extremely exciting to me when i meet another person who shares my views both outward and inwardly. this person came to me in the form of an older man who by all means greatly resembled myself from the future. he came to me as would a soothsayer and the things he told me i'll not wish to share for sake of not being able to do him justice. he did however remind me that i am on a journey right now and it is naturally in my tendencies to experience a great amount anxiety. until i had spoke to him i had considered my anxiety to be a bad thing however i've learned that this might not always be correct. in fact, the anxiety could be beneficial and should be understood for the value of experience. having a severe case of wanderlust and living in these last few days of being in the united states i am once again feeling that anxiety i have come to recognize as if it were an old friend. i choose to embrace the feeling and see where it takes me even if it means losing sleep.
it is a great pleasure to have endured the experiences that i have lived through. sometimes i think about how blessed i am and the feeling of gratitude rests deep inside of me. for that gratitude i respond by leaving bits of musings on bathroom walls or pictures sketched onto pieces of paper left behind at restaurants. now i sit silently, face to face with the future and i can't help but smile at how curious life can be. to say 'life is beautiful' is not a comment i feel holds a great deal of truth - rather i say 'life is beautiful (sometimes)' as we must realize the ugliness of the world in order to understand it's beauty. in that same sense i no longer think of what i'm feeling to be anxiety however a bath in the mysteries of uncertainty. i know that i'm not a normal person and it goes without much reminder that people don't often think the way i do with the exception of folks like the soothsayer i previously spoke of. however i care even less now than i ever have. it tickles me rather than angers me when people drop those comments of "do it while youre young" or "it's good that you get this out of your system".. what do you do for a living? you're a dentist? it's good to get that out of your system, do it while youre young.
so aside from understandable emotions i'm actually quite excited right now. it feels good to feel these things again and it feels good to not know where i'm going to wake up. every mark and scar on my body tells stories of my travels. every moment i've been blessed with burries itself deep in my heart and there is no greater love than the love i've found amongst this strange, strange world.