Wednesday, September 26, 2007

glow in the dark stars

I could hear it in my friend's voice the other night that she is looking for a way out. It's almost like the world has dug it's nails deep in your skin and you feel like it is pulling you under. It isn't anybody's fault and you can't sigh and say how you've done this to yourself but rather accept that things have happened and this is how it is going to be. I have an obsession; a few of them actually. Sometimes you just get a small glimpse of how things could be and your imagination will run wild for days and weeks or even years sometimes until that thought you once had is nothing like the fantasy world you now live in.

I have glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. They are centralized on the one fluorescent light in my room and the rest are spread in straight lines that slightly resemble an alien landing pad. My room smells like incense and I have the remaining instruments of my world collection tucked in a corner gathering dust. The drip candles on my shelf have been there since I was a kid and now that I'm back in my old room I look at them and remember how much I enjoyed watching them melt. I like to put the lamp on the floor and see how things look when they are underlit. My walls are wooden and my room looks a bit like a cabin. At night I watch the stars glow brightly and slowly fade into darkness as my body falls asleep.

Some days I feel like packing my bags and heading west. I could find a good place in the sand to bury my feet and watch the ocean drown the coastline. Sometimes I think about packing that same bag and hopping on a plane to South America. I could drink mate with my girlfriend and laugh at how fucked we are for not knowing how we will get home. I think I'd rather take her to Spain, I bet Spain would look good on her.

For now I sit on the docks of Jefferson Beach watching the warm summer slowly turn into fall and I can't help but wonder what I'm going to do next. I'm happy these days. I haven't been happy like this in a while. In reality I'm happy just to be alive because at any given second I could be hit by a meteor or stepped on by a dinosaur.

There is this really hot bartender at this unmentioned place that I like to visit from time to time. We have a cool relationship because I'm probably the only guy who doesn't stare at her breasts or hit on her. She's good for the old, "what does it all mean?" conversation and she makes a good gin and tonic (heavy on the gin.. I like gin.. I should start ordering a gin and gin). She gets good weed and she's one of those people who hits it twice and says, "oh you can kill that", which I most certainly do every time. She likes to hear about my girlfriend. I think she likes to hear about people doing well but probably because she is skeptical about relationships to begin with. I kind of am too. I told the last girl who cheated on me that I'm not upset because that makes her just like everybody else and I don't want to be with someone who is just like everybody else.

I don't lose sleep over things. I think I'm starting to live up to my 'no worries' declaration which I began musing myself with about eight years ago. This time I mean it and I'm not just saying it because I like Jamaica. I wish I had some good markers so I could draw on Pani's stomach. I could do that for hours. It's good she doesn't read this because she'd probably think I'm silly.

I'm done with big cities. In the grand scheme of things I think they are a fluke that we were never meant to manifest. I'd rather live in a hut just close enough to about a dozen other huts owned by my good friends far enough away so I couldn't hear them fucking. We would take turns preparing feasts and each of us could have our specific tribal duties. I think I'd be a pot maker because I enjoy working with ceramics. We could use my pots to store water and make alcohol. I'd leave hunting for people like Matt who seem much more knowledgeable on the matter but I'd probably be the fisherman of my tribe. I can throw a mean spear. We'd tattoo ourselves with similar designs each unique to our liking but in one resemblant pattern. My girl would gather flowers and feathers to decorate our dwelling. I bet me and Neal could make some cool drums and warn tribes in the distance that we are a routy bunch not to be fucked with.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

v8 and big rocks

These are days of simplicity. When things are simple there is no need to soak up the details around you but rather let them blend together in their own simple way.

Nature walks are rad.

Things are much more vertical these days.

I have a chemical burn on my left ankle and the bottoms of my feet are callused like sandpaper.

My girlfriend likes to walk around outside barefoot.

I had a dream about ninjas last night.

v8 isn't bad. Odwalla (pumpkin smoothie.. mmm..) and seaweed energy bars are where it's at.

Dear Sarah Harper Anderson, I'm a huge fan and I think you're wonderful.

I got really high yesterday.

In two days I worked 25 hours.

You should stretch before you climb.

This old anthropologist woman is having a garage sale near the marina.. I think I saw a shrunken head.

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Woman with the Tattooed Hands

Don't know why but this song hit me hard today

I used to know this woman who had the most beautiful
tattooes on the top sides of both of her hands
she was forty three years old and as far as I know
had never yet been with a man
its not that she wasn't attractive she was beatiful
but its the way that she interacted
she was aggresively passive to the point where she
would of intimidated any man that ever tryed to cacth it
on the right hand she had a tattoo of a nude girl
she claimed it is what God resembled
but on the left she had a mirrored image of the same female
and this one she explained looked like the devil
I remember once watching her touch her own breasts
how the tattooes smiled as they stared down her stomach
as if anticipating when they'de be alive and caressed
sweet flower that they both seemed to hung with
now maybe I was high but it felt so right
heaven and hell both take to this womans womb
it didn't make sense how she could commence
touching herself with me wide awake in the same room
if I've learned anything in my years
I learned I no longer believe in surprise

but what happened next damn near stold my tears
the tattooes came alive right in front of my eyes
they both slowly stood up and climbed off her hands
and showed me why she never took some time with a man
they climbed deep inside of this woman's garden
she closed her eyes and she gently bit her bottom lip
I stepped I left and I don't regret leaving
and I'd never forget all the things I saw that evening
a glimpse of religion a piece of coming closer
to understanding more about what intrigues me most
I didn't get turned on I just got turned
I wasn't as aroused as I was concerned
for each one of em I've hurt
and every time I think burned
I've got a lot to teach but even more to learn
so now I keep my eyes open hoping to take in all I can
about women taking in all she can
and for as long as I breath I'd save a seat in my memory
for that woman with the tattooed hands

There's good an evil in each individual fire
identifies needs and feeds I desire
as long as we keep our spirit inspired
she can bite her bottom lip all she wants

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Sunday, September 02, 2007

4:36pm Sunday, September 02, 2007ad

I'm not sure how long it will be until I can post again so it seems that 43 hours before I leave should be a good time to bid farewell. I'm leaving Tuesday morning and I haven't packed or bought things and I'm fine with that. Leaving sucks. Last night was a great party and I got an eerie flashback to last year around this time when I bid my previous farewell. Annual going away parties are heaps of fun.

So yeah.. Shanghai.. I'm pretty stoked I think. I'm gonna buy an apartment full of weapons and musical instruments and never leave the house. Maybe I'll start to draw again. Honestly I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Everyone who came out last night: thank you. Everyone who didn't make it: no worries. It's not easy gathering a room full of the best people in the universe and having to say goodbye to them. Yay hugs. Yay friends. I got hammered last night. I don't think I offended anyone and I made sure to keep big spaces of time between tribal screams - I'm learning.


It will happen, oh yes. Lady would you cross the Himalayas with me? I refuse to see snow until I get there. 51 hour train ride from Shanghai to Lhasa up 5000 meters above sea level. Cool cabin slippers. Green tea. Long stares from people who haven't seen an American in person. Some dude with an obnoxiously long thumb nail. Bumpy ride, sun up - sun down. I'm excited.

This would be the paragraph when I would be pouring out emotions and curiosities about my bad ass girlfriend but I think I'll keep it private. Pani - you make me smile even in my sleep. There is no such thing as simple coincidence for you and me.

Oh yeah. I get to be a teacher again. I love teaching. I gather I'll probably have an enormous lecture class at the university which is kind of funny because I'm used to teaching elementary kids.

This paragraph is bold and therefore more important. I AM RIGHT BECAUSE I AM YELLING LOUDER. I just wanted to put it out there that I feel as if I am on fire. When I left Samoa I made it a point to stay focused and not get sucked back into my amazing culture that I come from and here we are. I want to throw paint at the sky and sleep in a tree. I want high-fives from children and I want to have coffee with my deceased grandfather.

Life is beautiful?

I say life is beautiful sometimes.

Life can be pretty ugly and at times you might lose yourself.

And sometimes life just floats.

This town will rip the bones out of your body.