glow in the dark stars

I could hear it in my friend's voice the other night that she is looking for a way out. It's almost like the world has dug it's nails deep in your skin and you feel like it is pulling you under. It isn't anybody's fault and you can't sigh and say how you've done this to yourself but rather accept that things have happened and this is how it is going to be. I have an obsession; a few of them actually. Sometimes you just get a small glimpse of how things could be and your imagination will run wild for days and weeks or even years sometimes until that thought you once had is nothing like the fantasy world you now live in.

I have glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. They are centralized on the one fluorescent light in my room and the rest are spread in straight lines that slightly resemble an alien landing pad. My room smells like incense and I have the remaining instruments of my world collection tucked in a corner gathering dust. The drip candles on my shelf have been there since I was a kid and now that I'm back in my old room I look at them and remember how much I enjoyed watching them melt. I like to put the lamp on the floor and see how things look when they are underlit. My walls are wooden and my room looks a bit like a cabin. At night I watch the stars glow brightly and slowly fade into darkness as my body falls asleep.

Some days I feel like packing my bags and heading west. I could find a good place in the sand to bury my feet and watch the ocean drown the coastline. Sometimes I think about packing that same bag and hopping on a plane to South America. I could drink mate with my girlfriend and laugh at how fucked we are for not knowing how we will get home. I think I'd rather take her to Spain, I bet Spain would look good on her.

For now I sit on the docks of Jefferson Beach watching the warm summer slowly turn into fall and I can't help but wonder what I'm going to do next. I'm happy these days. I haven't been happy like this in a while. In reality I'm happy just to be alive because at any given second I could be hit by a meteor or stepped on by a dinosaur.

There is this really hot bartender at this unmentioned place that I like to visit from time to time. We have a cool relationship because I'm probably the only guy who doesn't stare at her breasts or hit on her. She's good for the old, "what does it all mean?" conversation and she makes a good gin and tonic (heavy on the gin.. I like gin.. I should start ordering a gin and gin). She gets good weed and she's one of those people who hits it twice and says, "oh you can kill that", which I most certainly do every time. She likes to hear about my girlfriend. I think she likes to hear about people doing well but probably because she is skeptical about relationships to begin with. I kind of am too. I told the last girl who cheated on me that I'm not upset because that makes her just like everybody else and I don't want to be with someone who is just like everybody else.

I don't lose sleep over things. I think I'm starting to live up to my 'no worries' declaration which I began musing myself with about eight years ago. This time I mean it and I'm not just saying it because I like Jamaica. I wish I had some good markers so I could draw on Pani's stomach. I could do that for hours. It's good she doesn't read this because she'd probably think I'm silly.

I'm done with big cities. In the grand scheme of things I think they are a fluke that we were never meant to manifest. I'd rather live in a hut just close enough to about a dozen other huts owned by my good friends far enough away so I couldn't hear them fucking. We would take turns preparing feasts and each of us could have our specific tribal duties. I think I'd be a pot maker because I enjoy working with ceramics. We could use my pots to store water and make alcohol. I'd leave hunting for people like Matt who seem much more knowledgeable on the matter but I'd probably be the fisherman of my tribe. I can throw a mean spear. We'd tattoo ourselves with similar designs each unique to our liking but in one resemblant pattern. My girl would gather flowers and feathers to decorate our dwelling. I bet me and Neal could make some cool drums and warn tribes in the distance that we are a routy bunch not to be fucked with.