seventeen years

in the kingdom of the blind*

perhaps the best part about being a human is our ability to interact with and experience other humans. in doing so we can both learn and prosper from each other while maintaining a certain level of respect that our interactions cause no harm but rather lift each other in spirits. i really never understood why people argue with those who they care about. argument, although sometimes beneficial, is really just the banging together of proverbial ram's horned egos in some vain attempt to boost oneself's sense of worth. all too often we thrive on hearning our own voices either spoken or repeating in our head while we are being spoken to. conversation has much more potential and meaning than this. it is our chance to peer into the worlds of our friends and fellow human beings to catch a glimpse of how the universe appears with them at the center. having said that i feel that some of my most beneficial moments as a social animal have occured during times of my personal decision to remain mostly silent in conversation. you dont really learn anything by talking but rather from listening and observing. if somebody is arguing with you a point that you find to be false then eventually the truth will reveal itself as it always does.

the aspect of being that has always tickled my fancy: non-verbal communication. words aren't the only way that we animals of similar being engage in communications. in fact we say more with our facial gestures and body language than our lips could ever speak. our minds are incredible machines that process loads of information regarding our surroundings and interactions that words could never justify. one should not belittle their emotions by trying to find the right words. speak rather with your mind and body and there will be no confusion.

so here i sit. upright mammalian. brown-haired male of european descent. moderately-heavy tattooed. bearing the dirt in my pockets and lines of a million smiles with a few scars on my face. i reside on a great space ship that travels around the sun. on board i communicate and converse with my fellow species in some wild attempt to make sense of our travels together through space. our time here together is brief yet through some manner little pieces of ourselves remain on this vessel even after we have departed. i have two working hands that can either create or destroy. i choose creation. i choose to leave in my wake a myriad of mysterious glyphs on bathroom mirrors and beautiful music from any instrument i chance upon. my travels have only just begun.


*the man with one eye will be king.

warm colours

i'd be lying if i said i didnt miss living in a house sometimes.

i'm over it though.

we have better lighting here.

it is unwise to ever get caught up in memories of places we have lived in the past because they dont exist to us anymore.

flood your head with questions of 'where will i live next?' or 'what can i do to change this place?'.

change is exactly what is in store for all of us before long.

donate some rugs to us.. this floor is about to get cold



do you find your emotions palettable?

do you even have emotions anymore?

perhaps emotions are seasonal and this time of year we run low on emotions just as our summertime is running low.

i bet we get a whole new set of emotions come autumn.

i wonder what the leaves will look like from the loft.

the ivy on the church across the alley is going to die and look like veins.



empirical evidence.



hardly anything here that we didn't bring is made of wood.

projected video looks better on grey/silver instead of white.

everyone looks better when they dress up.

huu is affraid of heavy rain.

sometimes i sleep backwards just to freak myself out when i wake up.

bikes get lonely when you leave them chained up too long.

leaves make wind.

i still believe in vampires.

i'm caught in the grit of the city... madness

i think i'm getting closer to understanding more about what intruiges me most.

all the while i cannot shake the feelings that i've made a great mistake about this time last year. appologies for the vagueness of a comment like this and deeper appologies for how esoteric my thoughts must remain but there is a deep regret that burdens my heart as i look towards the looming autumn. i wronged somebody in a terrible way last year. somebody who could have offered me a golden ticket to the universal matinee. the first showing began in an ancient city and i blew it. i'll not be bogged down by my failures but i'll never forgive myself for letting go of something very special and unique. having said that, i must point out that nobody reading this will know what i am talking about beyond any of their guesses, this is simply a letter to myself so that in some strange undeserving way the universe will forgive me.

thus said.. i can only move on -sa'o lelei-


today marks the beginning of something daring and spectacular. today is the day i throw my hands to the sky and beg for a miracle. in good faith i share my secrets (and i have many) with the universe in respect that only she can level with me. she told me that when i was young she touched my forehead and promised that my life would be everything but typical and she's always kept her promises. and for the record my life doesn't suck.. i've waited 26 and a half years to say that but it feels good and i'll say it again -my life doesn't suck. what does suck is the stigma of being so secretive. it sucks that i cannot find that person i'm looking for who i can pour out all of my thoughts on a friendship level without causing some level of harm. i've always wanted to find that friend that would hold my secrets safely and not laugh at how childish i truly am. secrets like how i feel bad for my bike when i leave it out in the rain. guess it's not a secret anymore..

maybe i'm the typical only child. the one who still has imaginary friends and still believes that one day i'll learn how to cast spells. the one who ironically is least understood by other only children. maybe i get off too much on my pretend world and i should spend less time faking accents and dressing the part and more time trying to reach out to other people. it's fun though.. i love dressing up and carrying a breifcase while sitting in on law school lectures telling people i've transfered from Berlin. sometimes i wonder if my friends are a manifestation of my imagination. i look at each of them and find qualities in myself and it all begins to make sense. i feel as if i could devide my brain into a myriad of different character traits and in each of those would become people who i love dearly. for this i am the luckiest kid alive. i mentioned that my life doesn't suck right? i think i'm doing alright. when i'm drunk i make noise but otherwise live the quiet life. well.. when i'm drunk i make a lot of noise and wake up to a series of voice mails. recently i woke up to a message that i "got the job if i'm still interested" apparently when i drink i apply for jobs.. who knew? thats kinda funny..



i love you

habibi