i think i'm getting closer to understanding more about what intruiges me most.
all the while i cannot shake the feelings that i've made a great mistake about this time last year. appologies for the vagueness of a comment like this and deeper appologies for how esoteric my thoughts must remain but there is a deep regret that burdens my heart as i look towards the looming autumn. i wronged somebody in a terrible way last year. somebody who could have offered me a golden ticket to the universal matinee. the first showing began in an ancient city and i blew it. i'll not be bogged down by my failures but i'll never forgive myself for letting go of something very special and unique. having said that, i must point out that nobody reading this will know what i am talking about beyond any of their guesses, this is simply a letter to myself so that in some strange undeserving way the universe will forgive me.
thus said.. i can only move on -sa'o lelei-
today marks the beginning of something daring and spectacular. today is the day i throw my hands to the sky and beg for a miracle. in good faith i share my secrets (and i have many) with the universe in respect that only she can level with me. she told me that when i was young she touched my forehead and promised that my life would be everything but typical and she's always kept her promises. and for the record my life doesn't suck.. i've waited 26 and a half years to say that but it feels good and i'll say it again -my life doesn't suck. what does suck is the stigma of being so secretive. it sucks that i cannot find that person i'm looking for who i can pour out all of my thoughts on a friendship level without causing some level of harm. i've always wanted to find that friend that would hold my secrets safely and not laugh at how childish i truly am. secrets like how i feel bad for my bike when i leave it out in the rain. guess it's not a secret anymore..
maybe i'm the typical only child. the one who still has imaginary friends and still believes that one day i'll learn how to cast spells. the one who ironically is least understood by other only children. maybe i get off too much on my pretend world and i should spend less time faking accents and dressing the part and more time trying to reach out to other people. it's fun though.. i love dressing up and carrying a breifcase while sitting in on law school lectures telling people i've transfered from Berlin. sometimes i wonder if my friends are a manifestation of my imagination. i look at each of them and find qualities in myself and it all begins to make sense. i feel as if i could devide my brain into a myriad of different character traits and in each of those would become people who i love dearly. for this i am the luckiest kid alive. i mentioned that my life doesn't suck right? i think i'm doing alright. when i'm drunk i make noise but otherwise live the quiet life. well.. when i'm drunk i make a lot of noise and wake up to a series of voice mails. recently i woke up to a message that i "got the job if i'm still interested" apparently when i drink i apply for jobs.. who knew? thats kinda funny..
i love you
habibi
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