Awake!

Being depressed is like shedding your skin. It is a process that is unpleasant but necessary in order to reveal something brand new and beautiful. In reality, the process is unavoidable and rather than denying that it is there and believing that it doesn't affect you, one should understand it and see it through. I feel awake. I woke up this morning thinking about all the things that make me happy. Last night I had some terrific vegetarian chinese food. That made me happy because it is hard to be vegetarian here. I started eating seafood again when I first came here in order to not starve to death but after a long talk with an Australlian volunteer who opened my eyes to a few alarming facts about the rapidly decreasing fish population due to overfishing (if you're interested, click here). I also found a half used package of insence that smells the temple I used to go to. I must say that if there is one place I'd love to visit it would be the Great Lakes Buddhist Vihara where I used to seek spiritual refuge and insight. I made good friends with the monks there too. I'd very much enjoy speaking with them about my adventures through the islands or even one day visit them at their homes in Sri Lanka. I've always admired my friends Ian for his trip their among many other things. I don't know what got me down in the last few days but whatever it was, I'm over it. Sometimes it just takes a long contemplative walk to work these things out and leave some skin shed behind. To me this came in the form of a walk in the rain. There is a certain part of the day when all of your obligations are finished and the only plans you have are to curl up and watch a movie. You don't need to impress anyone because you don't care enough what you look like and you don't plan on being anywhere that requires dry clothes so you walk in the rain and smile. I don't know if I've been sleepwalking for the last few days but last night I felt myself wake up. I didn't just walk in the rain, I was dancing. I've really tried to put into words whats been getting me down lately and one way or another I think I blamed it on homesickness or the holidays but that really isn't the cause. Something just needed to be figured out inside of me and what has needed to be done is complete. Today is a brand new day and it is a new year and I feel like a flower in bloom. I've realized that part of the cause of my unhappiness was my greatly due to my ignoring of all the lessons I've learned in the past. For some reason I was under this impression that being here was a whole new life of starting over but you can only think this way for so long. In reality we are the sum of all our experiences. One should not take for granted what they have learned or try to disregard it but rather build upon it. This is, of course, what becomes our story to be told. For now I'm still in Apia pursuing the surfer's path. It feels a bit like being on a snowboard trip up to Boyne with Dan. In many ways surfing is like snowboarding. Besides the dynamics of the board there is the same feeling of conquering a challenge that would knock you on your ass if you fail. Just like when you fall while snowboarding and get up to a sitting position to look at the mountain below, wiping out on a surfboard is followed by this calm moment of sitting on your board on contemplating what went wrong. The ocean is much like the mountain in that it is a powerful force that cannot be taken for granted. The moment you begin to think that you are bigger than they are, you are thrown like a ragdoll helplessly. But for some reason you come back every day that you can because you are obsessed with conquering the challenge. The time comes when you do not feel bigger but rather 'one' with it in a very spiritual sense. I feel awake. I feel like my skin has shed and something brand new has been revealed. This is only the beginning.