with this love and no other love

nothing is sacred.

it is in this last breath of esoteric nonsense that i rub my eyes into clarity and with a softer voice i speak. i can transport myself into any of my travels when i sleep at night, sometimes when i am awake. often they are beautiful dreams of the worlds of sights and sounds i've come to know. i can see the beautiful teuila and hibiscus flowers of samoa as if they are still right in front of me lining the dirt paths to hidden and faraway villages. sometimes i can taste the crispness of the strange air around isla de ometepe in nicaragua, where i celebrated the closing of my 27th revolution around the sun, or kiss the lips of the beautiful italian girl who wished me happy birthday on the watchtower. i can still smell the stink of chinese water in the showers and recall both times the feeling of getting used to that smell and wondering if anything is truly different at all or just our perceptions.

now i am a man coming to the end of my 28th year of space flight around the sun. i am awake and dreaming. i am living and loving in the beauty of eastern-western-torn istanbul looking at a table with an empty wine glass and a mole skin journal which holds my exit stradegy along with my fate. every piece of this journey must be mathematically calculated to keep myself safe, preperation is the key. in this politically charged yet painfully friendly city i now live in i find myself in silent smiles towards the tribesmen and women i've come to know in the last six months. my story has landed a supporting actor role in their movies and i'll not feel the shame of failing to tell them the love of theirs that i bring with me always. "thats your problem chris, you love too much." -JH

what will become of me? whatever has happened in my life is a one-way process set in motion that cannot be reversed. this is the path i've chosen and i know when to listen to the scratches of dust in my throat. i'm awake now. with this love and no other love i watch the tide slap against the seawall at night and i begin to fathom the limits of our known universe. i'm lonely sometimes. not really. i just wish other people could feel this. i'm lonely in the sense that i feel alone with my thoughts. take a good look at my eyes next time you see me.. they've seen a lot..