if youre ever in a bind, use it

it was a long bus ride, perhaps this time last year. wandering with the randomness of other travelers and sharing the backpacks full of memories with our single-serving friends along the long flat and lightning-illuminated roads of central USA, and i meet a friend from the connection. where are you going? and where are you from? are no longer questions but annecdotal backgrounds to the hum of the greyhound bus as 30-40 strangers sink deeply into the turbulant storms that occur in the flattest part of the world. but we have a connection that is true and sacred. somehow it is as if these people were traveling together in all walks of travel and by every definition of 'wandering'. we trust each other but never turn a blind eye to our pocketbooks or half full packs of cigarettes. that is.. not until we've broken down and lowered our barriers of unease and distrust. in this breaking down comes a forever friendship that is unlike most others. it is a plant that does not need to be nourished with phone calls and wedding invitations yet one that seems to say, 'if youre ever in a bind, here is my number, use it'. i cherish these stories and too often i've forgotten the heartland of turbulant highways that have brought me to where i am today. too often i forget the sensation of morning grease on my eyelids from 36 hours of sleepless travel; sleepless, yet dreaming the entire time.

the woman disappeared into the house and returned with a guitar. she handed it to her husband and together we made music all night.

i think they call it the 'thousand-mile stare'. its a distance in your eyes when you are elsewhere. it numbs your brain and delays you a moment too late to laugh when appropriate. it smiles without teeth and does not get nearly enough sleep.. takes away your appetite. its the light at the end of a long tunnel suddenly closer than you first realized. somehow things all seem to be connected and the fabrics of life have knit themselves into a complicated and beautiful tapestry. complicated from the beginning. complicated from the beautiful eyes i've seen and complicated all the way through the madman i saw in the street last week. puts a smile with no teeth on my lips, this story is getting good.

all is bless-ed

such is the method of tribal connection

i wanna walk this earth like it is mine...






...and so does everyone in our fun-loving tribe

weekend level 5 family

we didn't ask to be born

in all the curiosities of life i found myself face-up to the ceiling with a small kitten mewing and clawing at my toes. something about this 6 week old (max) creature made me think less about the mysteries of existence and more about the strangeness it entails to be alive. it was a story with a definite beginning yet an undefinable moment to our conciousness when we started to realize that we exist.

so we're tossed onto this planet with a strict set of rules we are told we must follow. rule number one tells us that by being born we have already signed our death certificate in that ultimately one day we will come to an end. ok, i can deal with that. rule number two is really the only other rule but it is a big one. this rule tells us that in our short time walking this planet we must find some purpose in our existence and if we dont we will surely lay in our deathbeds crying and begging to the universe that we have wasted our lives and never found our definition. so out of fear for this demise we make crazy decisions and hold on to any form of love we find, be in women, god, drugs, television, music, sex, literature or laser tag. and nobody ever questioned this before? what if i am happy as i am? why are we told that happiness is fleeting and an idealistic luxury of youth? i dont buy that for a second. happiness is a practice and simplicity is a destination - will you come with me?

this kitten is but a miserable example of the mysteries of life. by all rules of logic, chance and uncertainty this cat should be tossed to the street and given to the night creatures that torment all the other nine billion cats in the world. but we've chosen this kitten to be a third member of our house, one that will bring joy with her innocence and playful nature. something isn't adding up here. hell.. toss me to the streets and take away my rights to be known as human - its happened to our brothers and sisters huddled beneath the street lamps and asking for coins to the silence of strangers passing by who pretend they dont hear. something isn't adding up. a coin is tossed and into this world we are placed like a plastic figurine in the game of Risk. we beg to whatever god we believe in to make it easier on us but we shake our fists when we dont get what we want..

were we not taught that suffering is caused by desire?

happiness is a practice. simplicity is a destination. perhaps we should practice (not)wanting. give me the fried brain of a vagabond and ask him where in our evolutionary process he was left behind. ask him why nobody wants to mate with him to continue his perfect genetics and therefore the continuation of our species.

oof, this life is much more than a rough draft.

like sunday morning in leulumoega

this morning was absolutely beautiful. one of those days when i slowly opened my easy and didn't curse the day time.. i'm well-slept and have nothing to do until 7pm tonight. this is a blessing thanks to a variation of my schedule making me a night teacher but i'm thankful for it. nobody is home. wipe off the grease from my eyelids and start the coffee. burn one to my head and press rewind while looking out into the world below my window. if my obscure writings before weren't obvious, i've had a bout of depression lately. my head has sort of been spinning with the previous events of this past month. realistically, this past 15 months have been chaotic but the scars of learning are beginning to reveal themselves. i'm happy to be here in istanbul, my favorite (big) city in the world. this city welcomes me and doesn't stare at me when i walk by. in fact i blend in with the other wayward wayfarers and painted bodies who challenge the mysteries of time. every third person carries a guitar in my part of town. every third person has a backpack of songs and memories... compelling us closer... are we getting any closer? i am.. i'm tired of questioning and validating. my mission is clear to me and now that the winds have changed (oh yeah... the winds have changed) i see before me the path i must take if i ever wish to reach Issyk-Kul, kyrgyzstan.

i'm going through russia now.. turkmenistan was becoming a looming problem and frankly i dont care much about that place. now my path takes me north of georgia into russia to be circles eastward through the majority of kazakhstan and straight into the heart of kyrgyzstan where i will remove my backpack and lay in the grass.. my only goal..


my new path looks something like this:


i guess i'm happy that i'm doing this alone. it is nice to think about having someone along for the ride, and in fact that might be true for my turkish leg of the trip, but after that i'm on my own again. i like that. makes a man strong. what could you know about yourself until you are alone in central asia?



"kazakh people are naturalists and still believe that nature is a collective of spirits.. dont brush your teeth in the river, they dont like that.."

-advice from my polish friend whose name i dont know yet whose advice i never forget

senin yüzünden

i'm having dreams in turkish